Nearly 3 years after my divorce, I often times still find myself feeling lost. And even hopeless sometimes.
Everything that I had dreamed of, everything that I had built was gone in the blink of an eye. I was starting from ‘Less than zero.’
I did the normal thing…. DISTRACTIONS!
Not facing the truth, running from everything and anything that may cause me discomfort. I began living in a world of ‘low lying fruit’. My job (s), my personal relationships, anything to give me a sense of validation. I compromised ‘everything,’ just to get ‘something.’ I found a world of shallowness and unhappiness. The feelings of contentment, and joy were simply shallow and fleeting. That lasted for a couple of years, but those practices didn’t get me anywhere. Jobs lost and relationships had parted.
I felt like I was just floating without any control, and no direction.
Something had to change… My behaviors were completely self destructive. And, it wasn’t the story that I wanted to write for my life. I knew it…. I just didn’t know what to do.
I decided that I needed to change directions, I just didn’t know how. I had been married for 21 years and owned a successful company most of that time. And, I now found myself in a meaningless void with no purpose.
I have a friend, a buddhist monk. Visiting with him one day, he asked me a simple question, “Are you happy?” I replied “No.” His response was; “Well, if you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to end up with what you already have.” He challenged me to seek out things that make me ‘uncomfortable’… Internally and externally.
I started by doing a HONEST ‘Personal Inventory.’ The kind of honesty that has you vomiting in the trash can next to your bed.
Being REAL with myself for the first time ever! I started to study myself and my behaviors. Why I do what I do? Why do I feel what I feel? After endless Books, Podcasts and a couple really good Friends, I started to see IT.
I had been giving my ‘Power’ to others the whole time, and compromising my own. I decided that it was now my time to really focus on MY POWER. What do I want? Really want. How do I want my story to read? What’s important to me?
I had to cut out toxic relationships, and identified my thinking errors.
For the first time in my life I began living a life with no boundaries.
Being free of others judgements, and their implied expectations. Being honest with myself and others. Truly loving who I had started to evolve into. Developing complete transparency in all of my relationships and hiding nothing. I started to explore my deepest thoughts, desires and faults.
Simply striving to be ‘TRUE SELF,’ always.
I decided that I’m not going to wear a masks anymore, or put on a show. I’m simply just going to be the best me that I can be.
My relationships (With others and myself) have gotten deeper. I have allowed myself to fall in love, and to have my heart broken. And, have developed a deeper bond with my children. Now, when I go through these experiences, good or bad, I don’t let them define me. I try to learn something.
Most mornings I wake up with a smile. Probably because I can’t wait to see what’s around that corner.